My kids are growing up and it scares me.

For a few days now my two year old has worn underwear all day. Sure, she's had a few accidents, but she's been kind enough to either have them outside or on the tile in the bathroom floor - which is a level of consideration that I never received from my other kids.

This is great big wonderful news since I've been fantasizing about a diaper free house for roughly the last six years. Six years, that's how long we've been buying diapers. Six years!

With this realization of diaper freedom also comes a little sliver of sadness. This means we have officially left the baby years for now. And it's not just the diapers, I see it in other things too - like the way that there isn't currently a crib up in any of our bedrooms, the high chair sitting in the garage collecting dust and spiders, the lack of receiving blankets in the wash.

As much as I love the fact that I can visit a small zoo now with only my kids and my purse, there are times I miss having a little baby around.

I don't really miss the fussiness, the lack of sleep, the feeling of being overwhelmed - I can't really miss that part, it's still fully here - but I do miss that little person who so deeply relies on me.

As my kids get older they are doing what kids are supposed to do, they're becoming more self sufficient. They dress themselves, start their own showers and baths, tuck themselves into bed. All things that make my life easier, but emptier too.

It isn't that I don't want them to grow up. I do. I like the fact that I can have a conversation with Connor now that is very grown  up or that when I give Sophie the "I can't believe they just said that look" she gives it right back. I especially love that when I wink at Elinor she gets that I am telling a joke now and she loves being in on it. These things are all amazing.

I'm still very much the center of their little worlds. I truly am. But I am starting to see that I'm not so far away from a time when that may not be true. I'm vain enough to assume that they'll always love me and think I'm amazing - I mean, how could they not, right? But someday they'll realize that I can't solve every problem. That some things are even beyond my control. Some hurts too much. That there are troubles in this world that they must and can work through on their own.

As they take on life's troubles and worries and solve more and more of their own problems, I'll take comfort that at some point we have to have faith that God will watch over them and that our parenting skills are enough. Even so, I think I'll miss those sweet little faces that looked to me in every need as the one that could always make things better.

Internet persuasion and reality.

Today was mother's day, which means, that over the last week or so there have been several articles floating around the internet about what exactly mothers want for mother's day. The general summary of these various articles was this: for mother's day, we all just want to have a break from being a mother for a ding dang day.

I get this sentiment. Being a mother is tough work and it seems never ending. No matter how much progress I might to make during any given day, by the time the kids are all in bed I look around and it seems like I've accomplished nothing. I vacuum the floor only to have it covered in food after the next meal. I give baths only to turn around and see that someone found a marker and colored all over herself. *cough Violet* Seriously. Never ending.

So yes, I read those articles and I thought that a day of nothingness would be kind of nice. Good idea internet! This is what I want for mother's day.

But as it tends to do, life sent me a giant dose of reality.

Surprisingly, Ben had to work today. He didn't actually get the day off just because it was mother's day. In fact, he ended up having to work a little bit more than an average Sunday - which meant that we spent about three and half hours with him during the day today.

So I had to mom. Pretty much all day long. It was a total travesty. And trust me, I was feeling pretty sorry for myself. Cooking, putting kids down for naps, changing diapers...I even had to vacuum and wash dishes! What kind of world is this?

After my pitty party was over - and the party didn't last very long because no one...no one!...showed up to have it with me - I realized that I didn't really have it that bad.

Yes, today I had to do my mom jobs. Today I had to take care of these little people that live in our house with us. But I didn't have to do it all day. And I don't have to do it every day. Some moms do. Some moms spend everyday taking care of their children by themselves. How blessed am I to have a husband that supports and provides for our family? Lots. Lots and bunches.

And yes, today I had to change diapers and make food. But how many women are desperately praying to have to do these things too, but haven't been blessed with children? I myself know several lovely ladies who desperately wish there were little baby bottoms to clean in their house and little mouths to cook for.

Sure kids are work. But the world would have you believe that they are nothing but work and that you should be afraid to have them, pressured into "taking care of them." You shouldn't. Kids are work, but they are the best kind of work. They are the kind that tell you a nonsensical joke and giggle at their own hilarity. They are the kind of work where you can watch them discover the world around them. The kind where every day brings a little bit of joy.

Tonight, as my children sat all around me and I read them a bed time story I was struck by this thought too - why are we giving mice cookies or taking them to school? I kind of think we should be discouraging them from feeling like they can just ask for things in our house! Oh...and also that I'm pretty much completely and amazingly blessed to call these munchkins my own. Who knew my heart could ever be so full of love for someone other than myself?

So for all the mothers today, I pray for you.

For those of you that got some time to yourself today, for those of you who didn't, and for those of you that rarely do, I pray that God would bless you in your vocation.

And for those that desperately want a baby to hold in your arms, I pray for you, I pray that your burden would be lifted.

The birth story.

Every year on his birthday, I pull Connor into my lap and tell him the story of when he was born. I don't remember when I started this tradition, but we've been doing it for quite a few years. He rolls his eyes, says things like "I know!", and even starts to tell part of the story for me sometimes.

And really his birthing story is quite good. It contains little gems like the fact that the waiting room in the emergency department was full of people who had been in a bar fight and not on the same side of that fight. Security had to step in a couple times and break things back up. It has my fist wheelchair ride...what's not to love about that? There is the part where I asked if I had a boy or a girl and the midwife flipped Connor through the air and stuck his nether regions toward me so I could see for myself. That, by the way, is Connor's favorite part of the story. There is the part where he was born in an hour and that was it. That is my favorite part of the story. See? There's some good stuff there.

Tomorrow is Sophia's 5th birthday, and I was thinking that it might be time to start her on the path of hilarity that is her birthing story, but as I thought about her birth I realized that her story is not really that funny...at least it won't be to her five year old mind.

Baby Sophia

Her story contains things like my doctor having a "family emergency" a week or two before Sophia was supposed to be born and me having to get a brand new physician. It contains words like vacuum...never a good sign in a birthing story. It has a misdiagnosis of dwarfism and the subsequent freak out wherein I read every article about raising a child with dwarfism during the hours after giving birth.

Today I can laugh about some of these crazy things...especially the dwarfism thing. I mean seriously, have you seen the girl? She'll be taller than me before long. But her story is really missing the fun that is an emergency room brawl.

Although Sophia's story isn't all that funny, it is full of really sweet moments. Like the one where my mom and sister walked through the hospital room door in Indiana when the whole night I had been calling my mom on her home phone in Kansas and she had been answering it. Tricksy girls. Very tricksy using that call forwarding magic. Or the moment when she was put back in the hospital because her jaundice had gotten terribly bad and both of her godfathers and my best friend came to see her and be with us in the hospital.

Grandmas make everything better.

My little jaundice girl getting her light therapy. 

Very sweet memories indeed. The sweetest moment with Sophia though happened long before she was born. She was probably a mere nine or ten weeks old in the womb and I was anxiously laying in the ultrasound room waiting to see how things were going. It was that moment when I saw that little heart beating and knew that my baby was still alive. Sophia is my rainbow baby. My bright moment after a storm of miscarriages. She still is that today. God could not have given me a happier, sweeter, more loving girl than my own sweet Sophia Jane. Sure...He's given me two more wonderful and adorable girls. But sweet and loving are not usually how I describe those two. Not yet, anyway.

Happy 5th birthday Sophia! 

And for now, I'll just embellish her birth story to make it more enjoyable for her. I'll tell her that her doctor was a princess...who got into a fight with another doctor princess. Right there in the delivery room. That ought to be enough to put a sparkle in those beautiful brown eyes.

Of excitement and sadness

Ben and I have always wanted a big family...when we saw that first positive pregnancy test we were...well...really anxious...but also elated. We couldn't wait to be parents. And a short 8 ish months later we were. It was easy. Want a baby. Get a baby.

When Connor was just about a year old we thought "hey, these baby things are pretty awesome. We should have some more of them." Then we waited. And waited. And waited some more and then finally...there it was...the positive pregnancy test. We were so excited that we told our parents right away. What could possibly go wrong? A few weeks later we were in St. Louis for our niece's baptism and things went wrong. I called my doctor in a panic and they tried to tell me not to worry, that things could still be okay, but I just knew they weren't. And I was right. We had lost the baby. 

"Don't worry" my doctor said, "miscarriage is much more common than you think." It turns out that one in four women will lose a child. One in four. 

So I tried not to worry, but I worried anyway. And we tried to have another baby. And I again saw that wonderful "positive" sign. This one, I told myself, would be fine. After all, the doctor said that most women only had one miscarriage. I had my one, so I was done with that kind of pain. Forever. 

But I wasn't. This child too was lost in the womb. And again Ben and I cried. And we wondered if we would ever have another child or if Connor was it. 

This time my doctor didn't say "Don't worry." Instead she said we should do some testing just to see if there was something strange going on. And there was. I had Factor V Leiden and MTHRF - it meant that my blood didn't clot right and this was obviously causing my miscarriages. All I had to do was take a shot when I first found out I was pregnant and then ever day of the pregnancy and it would keep the baby alive. Things would be okay. Problem solved. 

Then I became crazy. Or maybe I was already there, but the crazy started to show. I took tests constantly. I had it in my mind that if I could just know as soon as possible that I was pregnant, that I would be able to take that shot and things would be okay. 

And it happened again. We were pregnant. I did that shot. I got in to do that blood work right away. And again, we heard the same news. Our baby was no longer there. We had lost another child. 

All told we've had four miscarriages, our last one coming in between Sophia and Elinor. They've all been painful. They've all made us cry. They've all made us wonder why we were given this cross to bear and to wish it away...or really to request that we just not have to bear crosses. 

October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. A month to remember and pray for those who have lost a child in the womb or out of the womb.

A month to tell women that have had miscarriages that it doesn't have to be a secret. That they're allowed to feel real pain and loss for a child they never met. Never held. 

A month to tell women that lost a child in infancy that it's okay to share their pain with others. Even thought it makes us uncomfortable because we don't know what to say or how to ease your burden. 

So share.

If you have lost a child, tell others about your experience. You may end up being a wonderful resource to women who are going through this pain or have experienced this loss. I was given such a resource and was amazing to have someone that I could call and ask questions too...call and confess that I was going to spend all our money on pregnancy tests if I didn't calm down...call and share my joy when Sophia was born. 

And listen. 

Listen to women who need to tell you about the loss they've suffered. There can be healing in sharing your pain with others. It can make your burden lighter. Listen when they tell you they've had a funeral for their unborn child. Listen when they share the names of their unborn children (ours are Jesse, Hope, Grace , and Mercy). Listen even if you think these things sound crazy...because to us, they're not. To us, this is how we acknowledge that an actual life was lost...not just some tissue. 

Lastly, pray. 

Pray for women that have lost child after child in the womb. Pray that our sorrows would be lifted. Pray that God would keep children in the womb everywhere safe. And pray that Christ returns quickly so we can see and hold our sweet babies. We long to do so. 

Pray for women who have held their new precious ones for moments, or weeks, or months, only to have to say goodbye to them too soon. As hard as our pain was, I cannot even fathom how these women must suffer. Pray that they would know that God truly does care for them. That He hasn't abandoned them. 

Pray for women who never see that positive pregnancy sign, no matter how much they want to. Pray that they would receive the child they so desire. Pray that they are given peace.

And pray for those who out of fear have chosen to have their child taken out of this world. So many of these women now regret that decision and the burden it has placed on their conscience. These women need our mercy and forgiveness. Their burden is especially hard because it is one that the world has convinced them they aren't allowed to feel. Pray that they would know the true forgiveness purchased for us by Christ on the cross. 

I like these dolls. A lot...at least $5 worth.

If you have daughters and they are anything like my girls, then they like Barbies. No matter how much I secretly (or not so secretly) want my daughters to play with non-commercial things, they are always drawn to things like Barbies, Ponies, Dora dolls, and Hello Kitty anything. 

We have a hand full of Barbies, some old garage sale finds and some new. Overall the only emotion I've felt about any Barbie I've bought in the store for a while is dissapointed. These aren't the Barbies of my youth. They're cheaply made. The legs are a hollow plastic. Extra outfits cost $7 or more. They break easily. The heads pop off, the legs break off.... And, the cheaper ones just have their shirt painted on... I just don't like them. But my girls...they still love this kind of doll. 

We do most of our shopping at Walmart because that's the cheapest place in town to get our stuff. When we aren't in a hurry, I usually let my kids wander through the toy aisle for a bit before we head to the grocery side of life. It was during one of these days that we stumbled across the Sparkle Girlz doll. 

I'm not going to say that it was love at first sight...but it was a heck of a lot closer than I've come to that emotion in a long time. 

The dolls are slightly larger than Barbie, but are made with way more quality. Their bodies are made from the same material as my Barbies were growing up. They're cutely dressed and my daughters love them.

The best part is that they are less than $5. The going rate at our Wakmart was $4.98. This is a price that Sophie can actually save up for. Extra dresses were right around $3 each...so she can reasonably save up for those too. 

So far I've only seen these at Walmart or on Amazon. They were way more expensive on Amazon though. 

I like them enough to write a blog post to let other moms know....so maybe it is love.

Comfort Dogs

The LCMS comfort dogs are coming to our school chapel service in November. If you aren't sure what that means, you can check it out here.

This event sparked a discussion between me and the kids on why you might need comfort dogs. It wasn't a pleasant conversation as we had to talk about some of the horrible things that have happened over the past couple of years that the comfort dogs went too. We talked about natural disasters, school shootings, why people in these situations need the dogs, and what kind of horrible things would have to befall a town before the comfort dogs are sent in.

What Connor took from this conversation is that people, even in the worst of times, can be comforted by the gentle nature of a great big dog. 

What Sophie took from this conversation is that if our house happened to burn down, and we lost all our stuff...and we didn't have a place to live...we'd totally get to pet the comfort dogs and it would be awesome. 

Clearly I need to find more opportunities for this girl to pet dogs.

Sophie on digesting worms.

Sophie: When I grow up I am never going to digest a worm.

Me: Um...good?

Sophie: Unless maybe they were covered in cinnamon and sugar. Then I guess I could digest them.

Me: I still think they'd be pretty gross.

Sophie: Maybe. But cinnamon and sugar are pretty good.

Me: Yes they are.

Sophie: When you digested worms did you put cinnamon and sugar on them?

Me: I've never eaten a worm.

Sophie: I heard you telling Connor that you had eaten a worm and a rat and that you thought the worm was way worse than the rat. Maybe I should digest a rat instead!

Me: Dissect! I said I had dissected a worm and a rat and that the worm was worse. We didn't eat them!

Sophie: What is dissect?

Me: It's when you cut something open and look inside.

Sophie: Oh gross! I'm never doing that!