Of excitement and sadness

Ben and I have always wanted a big family...when we saw that first positive pregnancy test we were...well...really anxious...but also elated. We couldn't wait to be parents. And a short 8 ish months later we were. It was easy. Want a baby. Get a baby.

When Connor was just about a year old we thought "hey, these baby things are pretty awesome. We should have some more of them." Then we waited. And waited. And waited some more and then finally...there it was...the positive pregnancy test. We were so excited that we told our parents right away. What could possibly go wrong? A few weeks later we were in St. Louis for our niece's baptism and things went wrong. I called my doctor in a panic and they tried to tell me not to worry, that things could still be okay, but I just knew they weren't. And I was right. We had lost the baby. 

"Don't worry" my doctor said, "miscarriage is much more common than you think." It turns out that one in four women will lose a child. One in four. 

So I tried not to worry, but I worried anyway. And we tried to have another baby. And I again saw that wonderful "positive" sign. This one, I told myself, would be fine. After all, the doctor said that most women only had one miscarriage. I had my one, so I was done with that kind of pain. Forever. 

But I wasn't. This child too was lost in the womb. And again Ben and I cried. And we wondered if we would ever have another child or if Connor was it. 

This time my doctor didn't say "Don't worry." Instead she said we should do some testing just to see if there was something strange going on. And there was. I had Factor V Leiden and MTHRF - it meant that my blood didn't clot right and this was obviously causing my miscarriages. All I had to do was take a shot when I first found out I was pregnant and then ever day of the pregnancy and it would keep the baby alive. Things would be okay. Problem solved. 

Then I became crazy. Or maybe I was already there, but the crazy started to show. I took tests constantly. I had it in my mind that if I could just know as soon as possible that I was pregnant, that I would be able to take that shot and things would be okay. 

And it happened again. We were pregnant. I did that shot. I got in to do that blood work right away. And again, we heard the same news. Our baby was no longer there. We had lost another child. 

All told we've had four miscarriages, our last one coming in between Sophia and Elinor. They've all been painful. They've all made us cry. They've all made us wonder why we were given this cross to bear and to wish it away...or really to request that we just not have to bear crosses. 

October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. A month to remember and pray for those who have lost a child in the womb or out of the womb.

A month to tell women that have had miscarriages that it doesn't have to be a secret. That they're allowed to feel real pain and loss for a child they never met. Never held. 

A month to tell women that lost a child in infancy that it's okay to share their pain with others. Even thought it makes us uncomfortable because we don't know what to say or how to ease your burden. 

So share.

If you have lost a child, tell others about your experience. You may end up being a wonderful resource to women who are going through this pain or have experienced this loss. I was given such a resource and was amazing to have someone that I could call and ask questions too...call and confess that I was going to spend all our money on pregnancy tests if I didn't calm down...call and share my joy when Sophia was born. 

And listen. 

Listen to women who need to tell you about the loss they've suffered. There can be healing in sharing your pain with others. It can make your burden lighter. Listen when they tell you they've had a funeral for their unborn child. Listen when they share the names of their unborn children (ours are Jesse, Hope, Grace , and Mercy). Listen even if you think these things sound crazy...because to us, they're not. To us, this is how we acknowledge that an actual life was lost...not just some tissue. 

Lastly, pray. 

Pray for women that have lost child after child in the womb. Pray that our sorrows would be lifted. Pray that God would keep children in the womb everywhere safe. And pray that Christ returns quickly so we can see and hold our sweet babies. We long to do so. 

Pray for women who have held their new precious ones for moments, or weeks, or months, only to have to say goodbye to them too soon. As hard as our pain was, I cannot even fathom how these women must suffer. Pray that they would know that God truly does care for them. That He hasn't abandoned them. 

Pray for women who never see that positive pregnancy sign, no matter how much they want to. Pray that they would receive the child they so desire. Pray that they are given peace.

And pray for those who out of fear have chosen to have their child taken out of this world. So many of these women now regret that decision and the burden it has placed on their conscience. These women need our mercy and forgiveness. Their burden is especially hard because it is one that the world has convinced them they aren't allowed to feel. Pray that they would know the true forgiveness purchased for us by Christ on the cross.